...which makes sense as Boston Market has long been known as a favorite eatery for dope fiends, what with their low priced, high-in-fat munchies and parking lot service - but this past November, New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. took the publicity department for the direction they probably didn't want to go.
 |
| If a picture says a thousand words... |
Winslow was arrested in the parking lot of a Target store in New Jersey with a sizeable amount of synthetic marijuana in his possession, the result of a complaint from a woman who noticed the oft-troubled offspring of the San Diego Charger great Kellen Winslow was masturbating in his car.
When police arrived and seized his herb, Winslow, Jr. tried explaining to the cops that he was lost and was seeking out a Boston Market restaurant. When inquiring as to if he was giving himself the "Secret Handshake", he denied doing so according to anonymous sources at the scene, despite the presence of a jar of vaseline in the passenger seat.
The woman said that Winslow asked her if she knew poetry and if she would help him straighten out his Longfellow and that when she refused he asked if she'd at least adjust his antenna instead.
The unnamed sources, whom have since been identified as Ron Borges' and Dan Shaugnessy's long-time sources Harvey the Rabbit from Long Island and Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street, reported from the scene that Winslow told police that he was attempting to "Apply his hand brake" while taking a load off.
Of course, the police didn't buy his story which left Winslow stewing in his own juices.
At first the authorities didn't know who he was, even though he identified himself as a famous professional football player for the New York Jets which, according to the sources, caused much rude laughter amongst the onlookers - and when questioned further, the quite stoned Winslow asked if he was under arrest, because if not he wanted to go to find Boston Market...
...where he was meeting a blind date that he wanted to give a pair of slick mittens. He explained that the cops should know him from his onfield reputation of having sticky fingers and being especially good around balls.
Police impounded his vehicle and arrested the tight end, releasing him within minutes on bail - Winslow immediately paid the impound fee and headed to Boston Market where he proceeded to butter his corn, toss his salad and pound his flounder while waiting for the main course of Beef Strokinoff.
If there is a moral to this immoral story is that you are lost and sitting in your car in a public parking lot, you should just let your meat loaf.
No comments:
Post a Comment